depression chatter

A lot of times I'm invited to something-or-other, or could go somewhere-or-other. I just cannot get myself to go. I've actually been around other people and felt like crying. So if I feel like I'm going to be in that type of mood or outlook, I just don't go.

Then I feel badly about not going.
Then I feel guilty.

I get it. It's not all about me.

The depression speaks or screams so loudly at times. It's annoying. It kind of takes over everything.

I do enjoy being with other people, especially if I like them and ordinarily want to spend time with them.

I guess that I have a "depression mood meter". And I respect the reading of that stupid meter.

I've experienced depression when the symptoms are quite severe and debilitating. When it feels like that, it's almost impossible to feel what I would call "normal". 

When I'm not feeling the depression as much, I usually don't struggle as much in seeing humor in everyday stuff, even in screw-ups, difficulties, minor inconveniences, major episodes of whatever sort, etc. However, when I am more acutely depressed and having difficulties in just carrying on with my normal everyday life, my sense of humor or lightheartedness is locked away - far farrrr away in some secret locked drawer. 

I observe other people (out in the world, in stores, on television, wherever) & wonder how they can be so happy and sometimes even perky. I mean, maybe they are happy, maybe they're struggling just like me - not sure. In any case I find myself wishing that I could locate my normal contented relaxed happier self.

And then sometimes I just accidentally (magically almost) think of something silly or somewhat humorous (truly a total accident in these cases), & I might say something aloud to someone or not. Don't know where I find that "place", but it kind of saves me in a way.

Also, each day I try to take part in at least some of the things that I'm "supposed" to enjoy, or have enjoyed in the past. Sounds odd I know, but I have to kind of force myself to be involved in more positive tasks. Even if those tasks are part of mundane daily routine jobs around the house. I try to point my thoughts in a more positive direction.

Not easy.

 
Yes, accomplishments. I agree. Very important, but can absolutely be challenging.

At times it's excruciating, but every day I get up (quite early) & just begin doing things:
stuff around my home
getting myself ready for the day (clothes, etc.)
laundry/ironing/sewing
tidying/organizing/cleaning/whatever needs to be done
working (office)
etc................

I'm definitely not telling anyone to do the same because certainly not everyone is going to be able to do that (at first, or without additional assistance). I make myself do those things, even when I'd rather run far far away &/or just be dead.

I pray a lot.

I think that a lot of depression sufferers feel very (very) isolated, & actually would like company/companionship. But...it can be a slippery slope. It's so difficult for others (who have never experienced depression of any kind, or been around a depressed person) to truly understand depression & what it can do to the psyche/mind/heart/thinking processes/outlook.

So many non-empathetic klutzes out there. It's not their fault - I guess that they've never had to (or wanted to ?) learn how to be compassionate toward those who are struggling.

Also, depression can cause a lot of anger - both toward others as well as turned inward (hence, feeling like dying or even suicidal). A dangerous thing.

So I think that one of my main points here is that depressed people can feel intensely lonely, yet feel hesitant to be around other people (either in a social setting or a more public one).

Truly miserable for some of us.